A big cow strolls out into a field of green grass. A narrow fresh water stream wiggles its way through the pasture. As the big cow begins to feast on some beautiful, rich grass, he takes notice of the stream and steps over for a drink. Looking up from the stream, he sees another cow strutting his way toward him.
The second cow moves with firm, strong steps. His hind quarters are defined and muscular. His snout is strong and he even breathes with authority. He approaches the stream and stops, looks around as if for searching for an adoring fan, and then bends, sips from the stream, and looks at the big cow on the other side.
"Hey," the big cow mooed.
"Uh, yeah, hey," the muscle cow re-mooed.
The big cow bent his head down and took a huge mouthful of grass, chewed it in his jowls from left to right and back again, and slobbered it down his throat.
"Um, what are you doing?" the muscle cow asked, his eyes wide, near horror.
"Eatin' grass--shrummpff shrummpfff--why?"
The muscle cow looked him over. " That's like, disgusting."
"Whaddya mean? You don't--shrummpff--eat grass?"
"No, I eat feed pellets. Grain, too, I think. And vitamins. Lots of vitamins."
The big cow, in between chewing, looked over the muscle cow. "What's in the grain?"
The muscle cow thought for a moment before re-mooing. "Well, it's good stuff, a little dry, but check me out. I feel great."
"You don't know what's in the grain, do you?" the big cow mooed.
"It doesn't matter, dude, check out these hind quarters." He proudly flexed his muscles, posed upright on his back legs, offering his front hooves and massive chest as proof his diet was superior.
"Yeah, but we're cows. We're supposed to eat grass."
"How do you know?"
"Instinct, I guess. Didn't your mom show you this?"
"My mom? I never really met my mom."
"Sorry, bud. Anyway, we're supposed to eat grass. It's part of our DNA."
"Alright, now you're mooing my language. See here, here comes my...my uh, my dad, yeah. My dad." He gestured to a man walking across the field toward the two cows.
The big cow spied the man coming at them. "You mean that guy, in the long white lab coat, is your DAD??" The big cow thought to himself, what the f---???
The man in the long white lab coat was carrying a black medicine bag. He approached the muscle cow, removed a large syringe from the black bag, tapped the needle and injected it swiftly into the muscle cow's rear end. "MOOOOOooooooHOOOOooooohoooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"
The man thrust a thermometer in the muscle cow's butt, waited ten seconds, heard a beep, and removed the thermometer. He noted the temperature by speaking it into a handheld voice recorder. He reached into his black bag, took out a second syringe, stuck it into cow's rear end, and the cow let out the same long mooooo-hoo-hoo. The man in the coat then stepped over to the muscle cow's ears, and using a tool, removed a tag from the right ear, and replaced it with another ear tag. Then, the man left.
The big cow stood motionless, staring at the muscle cow, who stood frozen, and whose eyes were now wide and glassy. His muscle cow lips were open a bit, and his muscle cow teeth were exposed, and his whole face was now in a bit of a stupor, with a bizarre county fair clown smile that would not go away. He didn't even blink.
"Hey bud, are you...okay?"
The muscle cow did not reply.
"Um, bud, can I, um, can I get you some help? Maybe you should take a drink of water."
The muscle cow still did not reply. The same stupid smile remained on his chiseled face. "Uh, cow, you alright?" Another couple of minutes, and then, the muscle cow SNAPPED BACK INTO CONSCIOUSNESS.
"MOOOOHOOOHOOO!!! Yeah, yeah! That was my man! What a shot of love! Feelin' good!!"
The big cow stepped back. "Uh, what was that all about?"
"What?"
"That, the man in the coat, he stuck a needle in your butt, you moo-hoo-hoo-hooed, another needle found its way into your ass, and then you froze up like an icicle."
"Ahhhh, that happens when I get my vitamins. Just a little shock before the good stuff kicks in."
The big cow looked up at the sky, down at the grass, and around the pasture. "How long have you been getting those, um, vitamins?"
The muscle cow thought for a minute. "Dunno, best guess, maybe, I've been getting them all my life."
"Same reaction every time?"
"Yeah, man, except it's gotten a little stronger, or so I'm told, I always blackout a little, you know?"
"No, I don't."
"You don't get vitamins?"
"Don't need'em."
"How do you know?"
"Cause I just come out here, drink some of this nice cold water, eat this delicious grass, and wander around a little. Every now and then I say hello to the ladies up the hill, after they come out of the dairy barn. Got to give the man his milk, they always say."
The muscle cow looked perplexed. "What, uh, what's...milk?"
The big cow's eyes dropped a little. "You're kidding, right? Tell me you're kidding. This isn't possible. You're kidding, aren't you?" Muscle cow scrunched his brow and rolled his confused glassy eyes. "Okay, listen, I gotta go. But come back here tomorrow, and I will explain to you about milk, cows, eating grass, and living the good life here under the sun. Okay?"
The muscle cow thanked him. "Cool, dude, you are the best, but no can do tomorrow. I heard my dad telling his friend that I've got a field trip planned tomorrow to a factory."
The big cow hung his head, moo-sighed, and turned to leave. "Take care, bud. Have a good trip."
Muscle cow strutted off, with a blade of grass in his mouth. "Hey! This stuff isn't half bad! Needs a little sauce, but it's good!"
The big cow lumbered back toward the barn, his natural head swinging side to side, his easy disposition the only thing that mattered under the sun, in the rich green pasture.
Now, vegetarians aside, which cow would you want to provide your steak?
And that's the view from my table.
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