Anti Foodie Strikes Fear into the Establishment! Film at Eleven!

Anti foodie?!? Against food, not in favor of eating anything that resembles food, and protests the world over outside of every restaurant, every where??? (some guy in a shabby long coat with a poster board that reads, "EAT NOTHING-SAVE A PLANT")


Not so much. I am probably the most anti-foodie-foodie there is out there. You see, I am not a culinary snob. I do love food, don't kid yourselves, lots and LOTS of food, but I am not the in the know omg-you gotta try this because, it's like so amazing, you know-foodie. I really loathe those people. Example, I think Mario Batali has some of the best restaurants I've ever been to. I have watched many episodes of 'Molto Mario' and he's one of my favorite chefs. I love just listening to how he describes cooking techniques, and watching how these beautiful dishes he creates just come together. Many times it's simple and thoughtful cooking.


Flip side: I cannot bear to watch "On the Road", the show in which Mario tours Spain with Gwyneth Paltrow--huh??? This show came on a few months ago and I despised it immediately. The two of them together ooze snobbery, like gummy bears melting in the Mediterranean sun. They eat in places so ridiculous, with guests like Michael Stipe from REM--ok, the scene where Mario and Gwyneth are in the Mercedes convertible cruising through the Spanish countryside, and whoa-ho, here comes a surprise guest in his Mercedes, Michael Stipe--"I just had dinner with your husband," (referring to Gwyn's hubby who is the lead singer of Coldplay)--SO FREAKIN' WHAT! If Mario Batali is in Spain, I want to watch Mario shopping for food in Spanish markets, and cooking food in traditional Spanish cooking methods. I don't need to see the two of them having an orgasmic moaning session over dishes in a kitchen with some other major celebrities, giving foo-foo commentary over some dish I haven't watched being prepared. This is unreal FOODIE stuff.


The anti foodie in me wants to watch Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations"-where he tours the world and gets to try out cooking from real people in real places-like a barbecue on a riverfront in Taiwan, or a taco stand in Mexico City, this is real food from real people. If I could choose one guy to travel with, hang out, drink and eat with, it's Anthony Bourdain. And if you haven't already, read his book, "Kitchen Confidential."


Foodies got there start in high school: they owned the little exclusive cliques of popular kids, and if you sat down next to them in the cafeteria, they looked at you and said, "um, like, what are YOU doing here sitting next to US?" (ok, that NEVER happened to me...) Now those same foodies send blazing text messages about meeting at the latest 'raw food' restaurant. That's one that'll just make me insane--go out to eat at a restaurant, and pay for food that is served raw. Just stay home, save your money and gnaw on some uncooked broccoli florets, a clove of garlic and some carrots. Add a little steak tartare and you've got a gastronmic trip to the emergency room.

Foodies will shop at and lose their money every week at Whole Foods (aka Whole Paycheck) If you live in New York City, shop at Fairway or Trader Joe's and get really great food at great prices.

So what's an anti foodie? Anti foodies care about REAL food, food that comes from REAL sources (read: not processed, messed with, growth-hormoned or steroid injected, basically, the anti-A-Rod section in your favorite grocery store). We buy chicken that is raised the way nature intended, without the use of science. We buy pork from Niman Ranch or Applegate Farms, pork that was raised in a natural environment, not penned in like a psychotic serial killer. We take fresh herbs like rosemary and oregano and use real butter and extra virgin olive oil, and prepare a dish with only a few ingredients and steps, so the aromas from the roasting pan match the flavor and anticipation of the meal. Anti foodies cook a really great meal in less than an hour.


I think the anti foodie champion is Mark Bittman, who writes the Minimalist column in the New York Times Dining Guide. Bittman takes gourmet food and reinterprets it so it can be cooked at home, using simple, real ingredients that are accessible to everyone. That's the kind of thing I love--taking real, basic ingredients, and making them taste GREAT. That's the true mark of a cook; making the most basic ingredients into the the most incredible meals.


So to all the foodies out there, go on, keep doing what you're doing. There is a place for you, somewhere between the macrobiotic raw sea kelp and the velveeta. But if I sit down next to you in a restaurant, don't look at me like I don't know the difference between truffles and tripe. And the next time you decide to declare the latest trend, or text your friends that the "Beaujolais nouveau is coming! the Beaujolais nouveau is coming!", take a closer look at the guy outside in the long shabby coat. It might be me!


And that's the view from my table.